Miscarriage of the Heart

Its been a long time since my last post...mainly because I didn't have a whole lot of new adoption news, and didn't think I would for another 2 to 3 years... That has changed dramatically in the past few months. Let me fill you in...

November 2007: We started the Peruvian adoption process.

In August 2009, we were finally approved to adopt from Peru. We were told that it would be 2 to 3 more years before we would receive a child referral.

In September 2009, we became pregnant! I'm due in June. Hooray!

On December 3, 2009, we received a shocking phone call from our adoption agency. "Congratulations, Peru has given you the referral of a 7 month old baby boy....If you accept the referral, you would travel in January for 5 weeks, to finalize the adoption and bring your baby boy back home." This news was followed by my screams of joy and disbelief and awe and excitement!!!! Which was followed by me saying "YES, YES, YES! But I need to let you know I am in the very early stages of being pregnant. But YES YES YES, we are so happy for the referral" Silence followed on the other end of the phone...

(I had previously not told them of the pregnancy yet, because I was in the very early stages, and we were instructed that we wouldn't get a Peru referral for several more years! Some people have questioned why I did inform the agency that I was pregnant upon receiving the referral. 2 reasons: 1) its written in our contract, and 2) its morally the right thing to do. Sure, i've had moments of wondering why in the world I told them, but ultimately, it is the right thing to do... and so I did it. )

After I told the agency I was pregnant, everything came to a screaching halt. Added to the equation was the fact that our regular adoption caseworker was on vacation, so we were dealing with a temporary replacement, who wasn't familiar with the Peru program....

They say adoption is a roller coaster, and this was yet another shining example: the thrill and elation of the initial referral phone call.... followed by a plunge downward into chaos...

After much rigamarole, our agency apparently agreed to waive its policy that all adoptions are put on hold if the adoptive mother becomes pregnant. So, we cleared hurdle number one: Our agency said we could proceed with the adoption. We received the 'referral' information, including a photo of the little guy all bundled up in an orange and white hand-knit sweater. We also poured through pages of information on his complicated birth, abandonment, and time in the orphanage. We fell in love with the little guy, however, knowing that this was definitely not a done-deal...

Hurdle number two was informing the Peruvian Adoption Bureau (SNA) that we were pregnant, but wanted to proceed with the adoption. First, we wrote a glowing letter of acceptance of the baby boy. Second, our agency requested that we write an additional letter to Peru, informing them of the pregnancy and our desire to also adopt the baby boy. The letter focused on the fact that the little boy would be 14 months at the time of the new baby's birth among other compelling topics. We poured our heart and soul into this letter, and came up with a masterpiece. :) As one of my good friends said after reading the letter, "If Peru has any heart, they will let you bring this little boy home." The letter was also tranlated artfully into Spanish by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It was beautiful in Spanish and English...

In addition, our Social Worker and Doctor wrote suppotive, persuasive letters to Peru, asking that we be allowed to complete the adoption.

And so we waited, not knowing when or if we would be given the green light from Peru. This was extremely difficult, because 'if' Peru said yes, we would likely have a 5+ week trip to Peru coming up in January. We were cautiously planning details in the back of our head, so that we would be ready in the event we could finalize the adoption. We were working on everything from Marcella's passport, to arranging George's extended time off from work, to preparing for THREE children (marcella, our Peruvian son, and our biological child due in June) What a clash of emotion: on one hand we were so excited about the prospect of bringing this little adorable guy home! On the other hand, we were trying to guard our emotions, realizing that the adoption was far from over---or even possible.

We found anxiety and uneasiness clouding our lives. So many unanswered questions and worries. We didn't like the state of unrest that we were living in, and so, we just made the conscious decision to turn it over to God. We understood that we had done everything humanly possible to bring our baby boy home, but we prayed and prayed to trust in God's plan for the little boy and our family--whatever that might be.

Some questions came up during the waiting period, such as, is it safe for a pregnant woman to travel to an elevation of 12,500 feet for an extended period of time. Sources on the internet suggest not, but our Doctor gave us the clearance to travel to that altitude... Other questions--George would likely have to return to the US after 3 weeks, leaving me in Peru with our new baby boy for a few more weeks. Would Marcella stay with me, or return home? Also, the general safety for travellers in Peru was on our mind, especially in determining where we would be inter-country... Questions, thoughts, issues.... We didn't have the answers for, but once again, just prayed to God for help through this complicated journey.

Meanwhile, the little bambino kept smiling at us from his photo perch on our refrigerator....

Fast-forward to Monday, December 21st, 2009. Marcella and I were driving up north to see Grandma and Papa Lynn. I received a phone call from our agency. Just seeing their name come across caller ID sends my heart pounding. Quickly after our adoption worker started talking, I knew it wasn't good news. She informed us that Peru had informally rejected our plea to bring the baby home. All that they were waiting for was the official signature that will come sometime in January. (Basically the entire country of Peru is on winter vacation from December 15 to jan 12). And as quickly as that, our hopes were dashed. Peru said no. The little boy would not be ours, due to my pregnancy...

Thankfully I was able to find a close exit off the freeway, because its not the greatest idea to drive while receiving news of this nature..... Suffice to say, the news hit like a ton of bricks. As an adoptive parent, I say this without hesitation: the news of the little boy being taken away is akin to a "Miscarriage of the Heart". The raw, powerful emotions are no different than a previous biological miscarriage I had. If anything, the news of our Peruvian baby was harder to grasp...

After calling George to break the news to him, and after managing to slow my tears, I was able to regroup and drive the rest of the way. I knew I had precious cargo on board that I was definitely responsible for! Poor Marcella didn't know what was going on, and she said "please stop crying momma, and put a smile on your face. its okay." What a mature little soul....

I had 3 more hours of driving, which enabled me to refocus on the bigger picture---God's big picture. We absolutely don't understand the reason why this has happened, but we are holding tight to our faith in that this is somehow/someway part of God's plan, not only for us, but most importantly for the little baby boy.

In the midst of the heartbreak, we are just so thankful for Marcella, and for our healthy pregnancy thus far. (I am also so thankful that George surprised us and drove up north last night to be with us, taking off the rest of the week from work! Husband of the year, for sure!) We also find some comfort in the fact that we (think) we will be able to adopt from Peru someday down the road, after the pregnancy---perhaps in 2 to 3 years as we had originally thought?!?!?!

Ultimately, we just pray that this little boy will find his forever family....and fast. Our agency did tell us that we could appeal, but it was extremely unlikely to change anything. George and I feel that while we could spend the time and money to appeal, what would it change, especially at the pace that Peru moves on issues... The only thing it would change is to expand the amount of time this little guy would remain in an orphanage until he was able to be adopted by his forever family. That is not fair, and certainly not in his best interests... For whatever reason, we are coming to grips that his forever family was not meant to be us... We just hope and pray for the best for him. And we are thankful that God is here with us, in the good times and tough times....

La Princesita Puma

Today, we celebrated Adoption with all sorts of 'amigos', via the Latin American Adoptive Families Group annual Fiesta (In Germantown/Milwaukee, Wisconsin). It is truly amazing, inspirational, and awesome to see all of the blessings that have come to us through Guatemala and Latin America...

One of the highlights of today's Fiesta was the face-painting. Most of the little Guatemlan princesses were requesting to have their face painted like a ......princess. Not Marcella. She wanted to be a "PUMA". We suggested to her, a million times in a million ways, that it would be so awesome to have all of the beautiful glitter and gems on her face...... However, she was intent on the PUMA masquerade. I like her determination :)

Here are a few pix of our little princesita puma!

"Paper Pregnant" in Peru

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

We got the call tonight at 5:30 p.m. from our agency~~~We have officially been approved to adopt a child from Peru!

This is a huge milestone in our adoption, especially considering that we started the Peruvian adoption in November 2007! So today, August 19, 2009, after much rigamarole from Peru and elsewhere, they have finally accepted us to adopt a child born in their country (which, coincidentally, is also George's homeland!!!). AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

The past few weeks, we have been a bit more vocal and inquisitive with our agency. I'm not sure if our concern and advocacy have helped with our approval---or if it was just in the works anyways. At any rate, we are 'in'!!!!

Now, what happens?

We wait some more~~~ but at least we have the peace of mind that we are legitimately able to adopt our child. The estimated wait time is basically unknown; however, we have an approximate time frame of one to three more years. Our adoption agency informed us that they aren't really sure of a reasonable time frame, as there are constant fluctuations in the adoption system. In fact, very, very recently, a brand new Director of Peruvian adoptions was appointed. How this new Director will change things, including timeframes, is yet to be seen. We can only hope and pray for the best.

And with that, I will leave you with a few recent pictures. You will see a 3-year old in the pictures, who was extremely elated when we got the phone call tonight, informing her that she will indeed be a big sister. And we are extremely blessed beyond words, to have Marcella each and everyday with us, as we journey down the path to building our family.

My siblings & hija, (L--R), Andy, Micky, Mar, and Luke!

The end of the paperchase (for now!)

For the last 2 months, we have been working on 2 amendments to our Peruvian dossier. One was a minor change and the other was a major, 12-page amendment. I am happy to report these documents are DONE. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. Our agency just reported that they were expedited to Peru today!

Once in Peru, they will be translated, and then submitted to the Adoption Bureau down there. In the meantime, we wait for APPROVAL!!!!!!!! After Approval, we are still looking at over a year's wait...but one step at a time. Approval is on the horizon...we hope and pray!

A few pictures...

Marcella with her new 5-month old friend "Baby Chicako". If you look really close at this picture, you can tell that Baby Chicako is a SUPER SMART baby, as she is wearing a Brewers onesie!!!!!!!!

A glimpse of Marcella's first Dentist appointment! She did stellar, and came away with a bag of teeth-cleaning goodies.

Below---Mar, the Candy Girl! George's store donated a ton (literally) of candy for the Troops. This pix was taken on candy-delivery day! The candy sat in our house for about a month, and amazingly, it all remained intact?!?!?!

"Cambio de Sentido"

Although I haven't blogged about our adoption process in a long time, there have been many changes. I primarily didn't blog, because things were changing day-to-day. However, we appear to have weathered the storm, for now, so I thought it was the right time to blog once again.

Just to recap, this is what has happened in the last 6 months (the 2-second version). We were adopting from Peru; Peru rejected us; We switched to Ecuador; Peru accepted us back; We proceeded with concurrent adoptions in Peru & Ecuador...

Then, everything reached a screaming halt.

I have thought long and hard about writing this next sentence, but I ultimately concluded that I would, because it really does give the complete and accurate picture of our journey to expand our family... I found out I was pregnant, and several days later miscarried.

The pregnancy sent us into a tail-spin, and dichotomy of emotions..... First, the shock of pregnancy, which likely would have eliminated one of the adoptions. (Adopting 2 children was, for us, akin to being pregnant with twins...) Second, the JOY of being pregnant (biologically)! Third, the shock and grief of the miscarriage, which is simply beyond words. Fourth, the uncertainty about what to do next....

The best advice we received through all of this, came from our adoption agency. Jean, our angel at CHSFS, told us simply that there is 'no rush'. For those of us who know us, we really are borderline impulsive [at least we are able to admit it :) ], and we LOVE to live in the moment. So, this was a lesson in taking a step back---digesting all the information, emotions, grief, fears, and hopes---and not rushing.

By stepping back, we were able to see the whole picture, and really try to investigate & internalize God's plan for us. And quite frankly, we may not 'get' the whole picture right now, but we are trying our very hardest to listen to our hearts and our heads.

And...this is where we are at right now: We are proceeding with the Peruvian adoption, full steam ahead (well, its actually a snail's pace, but at least we are proceeding). We are going to put the Ecuadorian adoption on hold for now, for a myriad of reasons I'm not going to delve into right now, but suffice to say the decision came after much contemplation, soul-searching, and prayer.

**Side Note**: In the midst of all of this chaos, Peru has instructed us to amend our Psychological Report to address some hot topics, such as "Subjects of Frequent Argument", "How We Handle Stressful Situations" (are they trying to be funny?), "Our Social Network", etc etc. We were joking with our Psychologist about these bureaucratic requirements (while admiring his 12-page, stellar response to their inquiries), and he said he can't imagine what Peru could possibly want to know about next. My response: Perhaps they will want a detailed psycho-analysis of our passion for the Brewers, and our general disdain for the Cubs? His response: That, right there, qualifies you to adopt! :)

Amigos, in closing, we are taking things day by day, living in the present, thoroughly enjoying our princesita Marcella, and our Milwaukee Brewers!!!!!!!!!! We hope this blog entry finds you also savoring the present moment, and appreciating this amazing journey called life!

Cinco De Mayo Recipe

I found this picture and recipe on a great website, www.familyfun.go.com Great ideas for fun kid stuff! Here's the recipe if you feel like being festive this Cinco de Mayo. I think I am going to give the sombrero cookies a try! I'll report back, if I have success!

RECIPE INGREDIENTS:
1 sugar cookie
white icing
nonpareils, colored
white gumdrop
1. To make one, frost the edge of a sugar cookie with white icing and roll it in colored nonpareils.

2. Next, coat the bottom and the lower edge of a small white gumdrop with frosting. Roll the edge of the gumdrop in the nonpareils, then set the gumdrop in the center of the cookie.

La Revolving "Puerta"

Hola.

This week I received a phone call from our adoption agency. However, it was not the Ecuador adoption coordinator calling--instead, it was the Peruvian coordinator.... We haven't talked to her in awhile, since Peru rejected us nearly a month or so ago. She called to inform us that the government attorney in Peru---the one who REJECTED our case---was recently fired. Seeing a window of opportunity, our Peruvian representative (she is the one who lives in Peru, and handled all aspects of our case down there) went to the new, replacement attorney. She presented our case to this new attorney for reconsideration.

(Side note: We had no idea that our case was even still in Peru!)

The new attorney declared that the old (fired) attorney's opinion was WRONG and that our Peruvian adoption can continue. WHAT?!!?!?!??! We do not need to do any Birth Certificate amendments (as the previous regime had demanded). We can proceed, as is! Our case is completely legal, and we should not have been kicked out. All we have to do is write a letter to the Peruvian government, asking that our case continue.

As you may imagine, this news came as a complete and total shock. We have been thinking, praying, contemplating, and digesting this news. We are on the verge of sending our dossier to Ecuador--I have been scrambling for the last month, piecing this dossier together. What should we do???? What should we do????

There are so many factors that go into this decision. Some of the factors are very technical, and some are very emotional. Needless to say, I have had the 'ol "Pro" and "Con" list going since we got the phone call. In my head, I was viewing the situation as "Which country? Which country? Ecuador or Peru? Peru or Ecuador? AHHHHHH!".

Thanks to my contemplative, rational, intelligent, caring (did I mention AMAZING) husband, I was able to process all of these thoughts---and more. George presented the following scenario to me: "Why can't we adopt from both countries". I have to admit, my initial reaction to this proposal was "OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". But, after more praying, reasoning, soul-searching, we both arrived at the same conclusion:

We both have always wanted a large family--this is in our heart. We LOVE adoption--it is the most amazing gift to both the giver and receiver (in fact, the giver often becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver.....). We believe that God's plan for us is to welcome children into our home, and give them a 'forever' family. The Hispanic culture is woven into our hearts, minds, and home---building our family through Guatemala, Ecuador, and Peru! HOW AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have been praying for guidance and help in building our family, and we believe that this situation is truly a blessing from God. It is yet another door opening. This situation has taught us that we can never predict the future, or try to control the future with an iron fist. We have to roll with the opportunites and challenges presented before us. Most of all, we have to stay positive and faithful.

My good friend Jen commented on my last blog entry (the one about Peru's rejection). Her comment resonated with us, "If God brings you TO it, He will bring you THROUGH it!" We are holding fast to these thoughts, as we go THROUGH this challenging decision and journey. Gracias nuestra amiga, Jen!!!

Barring any unforeseen curveballs, we have decided to embark on concurrent adoptions through Ecuador and Peru. We believe that the Ecuador adoption will probably occur way before Peru's adoption. There will undoubtedly be challenges along the way, and there are some paperwork technicalities that we have to work through to appease the US Government, as well as Ecuador and Peru. But, as always, we will keep you posted on our journey to become a family of....CINCO!!!!

Here are some pictures from our recent Spring Training trip to Arizona. The Brewers looked AWESOME. The rest and rejuvenation that we experienced on our trip, certainly helped us in our decision making process, which we have encountered immediately upon our return back to Wisconsin!!!

After a Giants-Brewers game in Scottsdale... This is truly our paradise vacation: 6 baseball games in 8 days...

Auntie Mimi (AKA, my sister Micky) LOVES cupcakes. She not only loves to eat them, she loves to make them (and they are soooooo good),,,,, Micky spent alot of time researching our 'cupcake crawl' through Scottsdale, and it turned out to be a sugary success.

PAPARAZZI!!!! Taking after her mamacita! Poor George!

Looks like Marcella is sitting directly on a VORTEX in Sedona! "Bien Electrica", as her foster mom coined her in Guatemala, once upon a time...