Miscarriage of the Heart

Its been a long time since my last post...mainly because I didn't have a whole lot of new adoption news, and didn't think I would for another 2 to 3 years... That has changed dramatically in the past few months. Let me fill you in...

November 2007: We started the Peruvian adoption process.

In August 2009, we were finally approved to adopt from Peru. We were told that it would be 2 to 3 more years before we would receive a child referral.

In September 2009, we became pregnant! I'm due in June. Hooray!

On December 3, 2009, we received a shocking phone call from our adoption agency. "Congratulations, Peru has given you the referral of a 7 month old baby boy....If you accept the referral, you would travel in January for 5 weeks, to finalize the adoption and bring your baby boy back home." This news was followed by my screams of joy and disbelief and awe and excitement!!!! Which was followed by me saying "YES, YES, YES! But I need to let you know I am in the very early stages of being pregnant. But YES YES YES, we are so happy for the referral" Silence followed on the other end of the phone...

(I had previously not told them of the pregnancy yet, because I was in the very early stages, and we were instructed that we wouldn't get a Peru referral for several more years! Some people have questioned why I did inform the agency that I was pregnant upon receiving the referral. 2 reasons: 1) its written in our contract, and 2) its morally the right thing to do. Sure, i've had moments of wondering why in the world I told them, but ultimately, it is the right thing to do... and so I did it. )

After I told the agency I was pregnant, everything came to a screaching halt. Added to the equation was the fact that our regular adoption caseworker was on vacation, so we were dealing with a temporary replacement, who wasn't familiar with the Peru program....

They say adoption is a roller coaster, and this was yet another shining example: the thrill and elation of the initial referral phone call.... followed by a plunge downward into chaos...

After much rigamarole, our agency apparently agreed to waive its policy that all adoptions are put on hold if the adoptive mother becomes pregnant. So, we cleared hurdle number one: Our agency said we could proceed with the adoption. We received the 'referral' information, including a photo of the little guy all bundled up in an orange and white hand-knit sweater. We also poured through pages of information on his complicated birth, abandonment, and time in the orphanage. We fell in love with the little guy, however, knowing that this was definitely not a done-deal...

Hurdle number two was informing the Peruvian Adoption Bureau (SNA) that we were pregnant, but wanted to proceed with the adoption. First, we wrote a glowing letter of acceptance of the baby boy. Second, our agency requested that we write an additional letter to Peru, informing them of the pregnancy and our desire to also adopt the baby boy. The letter focused on the fact that the little boy would be 14 months at the time of the new baby's birth among other compelling topics. We poured our heart and soul into this letter, and came up with a masterpiece. :) As one of my good friends said after reading the letter, "If Peru has any heart, they will let you bring this little boy home." The letter was also tranlated artfully into Spanish by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It was beautiful in Spanish and English...

In addition, our Social Worker and Doctor wrote suppotive, persuasive letters to Peru, asking that we be allowed to complete the adoption.

And so we waited, not knowing when or if we would be given the green light from Peru. This was extremely difficult, because 'if' Peru said yes, we would likely have a 5+ week trip to Peru coming up in January. We were cautiously planning details in the back of our head, so that we would be ready in the event we could finalize the adoption. We were working on everything from Marcella's passport, to arranging George's extended time off from work, to preparing for THREE children (marcella, our Peruvian son, and our biological child due in June) What a clash of emotion: on one hand we were so excited about the prospect of bringing this little adorable guy home! On the other hand, we were trying to guard our emotions, realizing that the adoption was far from over---or even possible.

We found anxiety and uneasiness clouding our lives. So many unanswered questions and worries. We didn't like the state of unrest that we were living in, and so, we just made the conscious decision to turn it over to God. We understood that we had done everything humanly possible to bring our baby boy home, but we prayed and prayed to trust in God's plan for the little boy and our family--whatever that might be.

Some questions came up during the waiting period, such as, is it safe for a pregnant woman to travel to an elevation of 12,500 feet for an extended period of time. Sources on the internet suggest not, but our Doctor gave us the clearance to travel to that altitude... Other questions--George would likely have to return to the US after 3 weeks, leaving me in Peru with our new baby boy for a few more weeks. Would Marcella stay with me, or return home? Also, the general safety for travellers in Peru was on our mind, especially in determining where we would be inter-country... Questions, thoughts, issues.... We didn't have the answers for, but once again, just prayed to God for help through this complicated journey.

Meanwhile, the little bambino kept smiling at us from his photo perch on our refrigerator....

Fast-forward to Monday, December 21st, 2009. Marcella and I were driving up north to see Grandma and Papa Lynn. I received a phone call from our agency. Just seeing their name come across caller ID sends my heart pounding. Quickly after our adoption worker started talking, I knew it wasn't good news. She informed us that Peru had informally rejected our plea to bring the baby home. All that they were waiting for was the official signature that will come sometime in January. (Basically the entire country of Peru is on winter vacation from December 15 to jan 12). And as quickly as that, our hopes were dashed. Peru said no. The little boy would not be ours, due to my pregnancy...

Thankfully I was able to find a close exit off the freeway, because its not the greatest idea to drive while receiving news of this nature..... Suffice to say, the news hit like a ton of bricks. As an adoptive parent, I say this without hesitation: the news of the little boy being taken away is akin to a "Miscarriage of the Heart". The raw, powerful emotions are no different than a previous biological miscarriage I had. If anything, the news of our Peruvian baby was harder to grasp...

After calling George to break the news to him, and after managing to slow my tears, I was able to regroup and drive the rest of the way. I knew I had precious cargo on board that I was definitely responsible for! Poor Marcella didn't know what was going on, and she said "please stop crying momma, and put a smile on your face. its okay." What a mature little soul....

I had 3 more hours of driving, which enabled me to refocus on the bigger picture---God's big picture. We absolutely don't understand the reason why this has happened, but we are holding tight to our faith in that this is somehow/someway part of God's plan, not only for us, but most importantly for the little baby boy.

In the midst of the heartbreak, we are just so thankful for Marcella, and for our healthy pregnancy thus far. (I am also so thankful that George surprised us and drove up north last night to be with us, taking off the rest of the week from work! Husband of the year, for sure!) We also find some comfort in the fact that we (think) we will be able to adopt from Peru someday down the road, after the pregnancy---perhaps in 2 to 3 years as we had originally thought?!?!?!

Ultimately, we just pray that this little boy will find his forever family....and fast. Our agency did tell us that we could appeal, but it was extremely unlikely to change anything. George and I feel that while we could spend the time and money to appeal, what would it change, especially at the pace that Peru moves on issues... The only thing it would change is to expand the amount of time this little guy would remain in an orphanage until he was able to be adopted by his forever family. That is not fair, and certainly not in his best interests... For whatever reason, we are coming to grips that his forever family was not meant to be us... We just hope and pray for the best for him. And we are thankful that God is here with us, in the good times and tough times....